November 2, 1981

So today is my birthday. I am now 28 years old. I don’t really feel different from a year ago, but I guess I’m older. Right now I feel melancholy, sad and lonely. I know birthdays are supposed to be a happy occasion and I wouldn’t fight being happy right now, but it’s just not that kind of day today. It’s around 12:30 right now and I haven’t done anything. School is closed today and mostly everyone is at work. The apartment is so empty and quiet. For the past few weeks I’ve tried to figure out what I should do today, but I couldn’t seem to find any options. I really didn’t want to be alone today. I know I was at some disadvantage because my birthday is on a Monday, the start of the workweek and everyone is busy. There was always some small hope however, that I’d have someone to share today with. I had planned to go out to dinner tonight with cousins and a few friends. At first no one responded, which gave me some kind of clue. And then after I got message after message of “sorry, but . . .” it kinda put a damper on my going out mood so I just cancelled dinner all together. It might have been a bit dramatic on my part, but I was just not feeling any kind of special after that. So now I’m still here, trying not to fall in some state of depression. I think I watch too much TV because a part of me hopes that I’ll walk into a room later when I’m at my lowest point, turn on the lights and hear “SURPRISE!” from my friends and family. I have to reality check myself though.

It always falls back to him. He who is never here. He who I haven yet to meet and don’t know if I ever will. For some reason I have this notion that if I had a special guy, he would make me so happy. He would have squeezed me in bed at midnight and whispered, “Happy Birthday, I love you.” He would have taken me to breakfast and then for a bike ride along the beach. And then later he would have planned a dinner where all my friends and family were present to greet me. He would have made sure I felt special today. Maybe I’m crazy and asking for too much.

Well today is my birthday, but it’s just gonna be like any other day I suppose. People did send me birthday greetings which was nice. I wish that was enough to take me out of this mood. I’m just sad. And it’s far too quiet and desolate in here for me to not be sad. I know I’m lucky to have made it another year, but I must be honest, I feel very empty. I’ll still hope for the best, but after a while those hopes become stale and turn into reality. I don’t mean to sound whiny and depressing (I only share all this here because no one ever reads this), but I needed to express how I’m feeling today. 12 more hours and then it’ll be Tuesday.

Something Always Brings Me Back To You

I love a song that I can grab onto and cry along with.

Twitching Little Thoughts

Right now I'm missing someone very badly. Funny thing is, he hasn't even gone anywhere yet. He's where he usually is, doing what he usually does. But right now, my heart is palpitating. There's nothing I can really do, I suppose it's an "it is what it is" situation. I have to learn. Learn to deal, learn to move forward, learn to not let it hurt, learn to be happy. All this learning to do and I'm so occupied with what I seem to believe. I seem to believe that he'll leave me forever. I seem to believe that he's forgetting about me more and more each day. I seem to believe that I don't mean that much anymore. I seem to believe that what I think is happening is actually happening. He'll be leaving soon, but I feel like he's already left. It bothers me that I haven't said good bye and that I feel like maybe I sent him off early. My view and reality are two different things. He'll talk to me tomorrow and I'll put on a smile. Those tricky insecurities though. Always lurking behind that smile and inside my head. I don't want to think about it anymore. I don't want to learn. I don't want to believe anything. All I want is to have him here. To know that he knows that I miss him. To not miss him at all. I'm such a ball of twitching little thoughts. If I could only think to shut up and enjoy.

Apparently, or rather, Obviously

I can't seem to be consistent with my blogging. So much has happened since my last blog. Sorry, I won't go into detail about ALL of the events that have occurred since I last wrote, but perhaps I can give somewhat of a recap (skip to me 100 pages later). So as always, the end of the semester was hell on Earth. Seriously, I had no room to breathe, I fucking wanted to bitch slap everyone and everything. Two big papers, an important presentation, and five finals to worry about (look at me getting stressed out again just from remembering, yuck). I was a ray of sunshine those last few weeks of school if you could imagine. Anyways, I really don't know how I got through all of that. I mean I can say, "I pushed through, put my mind to it and did it" and yea, I did all that, but geez, it was really fucking hard. REALLY fucking hard. By far, Spring 2009 was the most difficult semester I've had. And I know, I make it hard for me by putting so much pressure on myself, but I don't like being average. I don't need a 4.0 gpa, I'm not planning on going to grad school, but I don't think I would be as proud of my degree if I got regular-ass grades. I gotz ta have me somethin ta brag about, YA FEEL ME?? Well, the last two weeks of the semester really beat the shit out of me (one day I spent literally 6 hours in the library finishing a paper that was due, didn't get up to eat or nothing until it was done, I only got up once to pee then sat my ass right back down). During those last days I was as dramatic as someone vyying for an Academy Award. In the end though, I got my goddamn five A's making it back to back 4.0 semesters for me. I realize that I don't mind being dramatic about succeeding in my goals because it makes looking back so much more funnier. I like telling myself "Hey Jay, remember when you thought you were going to cry because you thought you couldn't finish that paper? You're dumb!"

Oink

Well, Swine Flu has made it's way to my school. It has yet to be confirmed, but a student has been tested for it and right now it's a "probable positive." Ugh this whole thing is so annoying. The news makes it sound like we're all going to die, but then they tell us not to panic. And now I'm just so aware of "germiness" all around me. I was in class yesterday and I couldn't even focus because a grip of sick heffers were coughing their balls off. I was Mr. Worried Eyes all day. You can imagine how enthused I was to go to class today after I saw the news in the morning reporting that CSULB, MY SCHOOL, has a possible case of Swine Flu. Grreat . . . I'm trying to not to freak out, but there are so many sick heffers around. I have been washing my hands like crazy though and hand sanitizer is my new best friend.

Lightweight

So drinking alcohol sucks. It's not like I do it all the time, but I drank last night. Went out to the Abbey in West Hollywood with some friends and I was really looking forward to it. I needed to be around gayness I suppose. So I get a drink, watermelon martini on the rocks, served in a tall glass. I drink half of that shit and I'm buzzing hard. TOTAL LIGHTWEIGHT. Yea, I am. You know what though? I told myself I was only going to have 1 drink, but the martinis at the Abbey are like doubles. So I finished my drink and I was GONE. I didn't blackout or anything, but I felt like I was squinting my eyes the rest of the night, like nothing was really clear (lol). My friends and I ended up at HERE Bar where one of my friends bought me an apple martini (which I did NOT ask for btw, I wanted water!) I drank half of it and holy shit I was shitfaced. Yea, I know, "Jay you only had 2 drinks, you're a fucking lightweight." Well, YEA, that's why this post is titled "Lightweight."

For the most part, I had a gang of fun, got to dance, took a picture with a drag queen, very fulfilling gay night. Yea that's until after we left West Hollywood and my stomach became pissed at me for drinking. My friends and I went to Ihop to eat, but by then I was having a hard time trying not to pass out and trying not to feel like I was on one of those fucked up rides at a carnival where all you do is spin around. AND there was like a mosh pit going on inside my stomach. I tried to puke in the bathroom where it was convenient to puke, but my stomach was like, "Oh no Bitch, Ima be playing with you for a little bit longer." My stomach doesn't like to be trifled with. Anyway so we went back to my friend's house where I left my car and then said our goodbyes. I start walking to my car and BAM! sure enough I puke up those 2 martinis. Thank you stomach. Well I got into my car and passed out. Woke up an hour or so later and some how made it home. Puking sucks major ass. I woke up this morning (or rather, early afternoon) nauseous and with a raging . . . HEADACHE.

Prior to the vomiting and wanting to die, I did have a really good time with my friends. I also learned a few things: I have a limit of 1 drink only and I must never piss off my stomach because I will severely pay for it later. Oh, and I am happy to report that I was not involved in any acts of debauchery (actually, should I be happy about that?)

Stalkerazzi

So like, okay, I don't mean to be all, "creepy guy staring from his bedroom window," but that's exactly what this is. My neighbor is so freaking hot. He lives in the building next to mine so I see him coming up the stairs to his place all the time. Oh and if I'm in the kitchen, like at the kitchen sink, he's pretty much directly across from me (I'm sure he's seen me washing the dishes with my yellow dish washing gloves on, UGH!). Anyway, he's got this cute lean body, kinda like a surfer or swimmer's body, he's all tan and his face is CUTE. I don't know if he's Latino or what, but he's hot! The only thing I don't like about him is HIS GIRLFRIEND. She is blah. I know I'm probably hating on her because I'm jealous, but that's fine with me. I've been thinking about saying hi to them (him) when I'm in the kitchen because we "see" each other all the time, but I always feel awkward. I'd like to know what his name is though. Right now he's just "Hot Neighbor Guy With Blah Girlfriend." Alright, I'm gonna stop here before I creep MYSELF out. Byee!

I Can Be Loose Without the Goose

Eww, nevermind. Anyway this is a song I've been bumping (and trying to dance all sexy to) for the past few days now, Jamie Foxx feat. T-Pain, Blame It. The song is hot, but the video is, actually the video is kinda funny. I know it don't mean to be though lol Anyways, it's a typical hip hop/rnb video, at the club with a bunch of hoes, blah blah. However, check out Jamie's entourage:

• Forest Whitaker - okay, fellow Oscar winner, ya'll can show off your Oscars, I got you
• Samuel L. Jackson - aight, I definitely see Sam as one of his boys
• Jake Gyllenhaal - hmmm . . . squinted my face on this one like What? for a minute, but then I thought, Jake's down, it's all good.

Oh but there's one more homie kickin it with Jamie and his boys: RON HOWARD. Oops, I mean, RON HOWARD??

Sure enough, it is Academy Award winning director of A Beautiful Mind, Ron Howard, all up in the video with Jamie at the club, throwin' up his glass of champagne with the rest of the entourage surrounded by video girls. Check out when Ron Howard makes his first appearance in the video, hair missing on top of his head as always. I literally said What the hell? Ron Howard? It's kinda funny.

Also kinda strange though is how there are credits in the beginning. All dramatic like there's some plot to this video. No plot though. Sorry Sam, but I thought you were gonna be some gangster bad guy trying to steal shit from Jamie (I got that idea all from the fact that the credits introduce Samuel L. Jackson last: AND Samuel L. Jackson . . . . oooh!) Pretty much the video is about all these guys just at the club and I guess blaming "it" on the alcohol. We don't really see what the "it" is though. Aight, I've yapped way too long about this simple ass video. Check it out. I still love the song btw!

Jamie Foxx - New Music - More Music Videos

Today's Jay

Just thought I'd share my daily updates a la myspace, facebook and twitter for today Friday, 4/24/2009 because today was kind of a heavy update day for some reason.

"Jay wants his hot neighbor to 1.) leave his big assed girlfriend and 2.) not be straight. That is all."

"Jay found a new evil he must resist: California Burrito (meat, sour cream, cheese and french fries) from the Mex. joint down the street. *Sigh*"

"You came into my house, you touched my chil . . . you think you crazay? I'll SHOW you crazay . . ." UH OH UH OH UH OH UH NO NO! haha oh Beyonce..."

"Jay saw on E! News that Britney lost a piece of her weave during her show. Talk about "U wanna piece of weave? U WANNA PIECE OF WEAVE!" ha!"

I need a dose of Damien Rice

. . . when I'm sad or depressed. I'm not feeling that way right now, but I was introducing Damien Rice to a friend earlier so I thought I'd share here too. I recommend Mr. Rice's music when you need to cry, he's been through some pain you can tell, but oh the beauty that comes out after . . .

Ridiculous

I've been in love with these two for a while now. Models AND brothers David and Joel Fumero. So gorgeous it's ridiculous. Oh, and I'd like to add them to the list of things I want.

David

Joel

Joel on top of David

Things I Want (right now)

I'm in a mood right now, so I need to release. So don't be a judgepacker, stay a fudgepacker (HA!).

- I want to go on a date with a cute guy.
- I want to create a photo album on my myspace and title it "He Finally Showed Up."
- I want my financial aid to really AID me.
- I want a hot, homecooked meal.
- I want to look over at my bed and see him laying down watching TV.
- I want to know who HE is.
- I want to get this test over with.
- I want to have my paper finished already.
- I want to have a life without lonliness.
- I want to be as happy as I was when Britney was lipsynching to me.
- I want to stop hating.
- I want to stop being so addicted to the internet.
- I want to be recognized.
- I want to be a hot gay guy.
- I want to feel rested.
- I want a double double from In N Out with fries and a chocolate shake.
- I want to have someone who really understands.
- I want to understand.

I know

I know, last post was in 2008, that's so lame. But whatever, I'm here right now, so like, shut up. *muah*

A Face Unknown

This is a "poem" I had first "published" in my myspace blog. It's kinda old, so if you think it's kinda lame, that's okay, fuck you is all. Just kidding!

A Face Unknown

Who are you?
When are we going to cross paths?
I feel I know you, but your face is unclear.
There's a longing for you that's deep, though you're a stranger.
It's the physical that's foreign, the rest I've been aware of.
For someone I've never met, you've caused me such grief.
As someone who loves you, it's euphoria you've given me.
You stand behind the strangers at my face, away from view.
I'm under a spotlight, although perhaps in an empty room.
You've consumed me, but at my fault.
You will appear.
When the strangers leave.
When the spotlight has been turned off.
When I have vacated the room.
When I have forgotten your existence in my being.
We will consume eachother.
I will reappear.
When I know you.
When we cross paths.
When your face is clear.
When the longing for you is over.
When you are a stranger no more.

A Push

I felt the need to write something inspiring, so forgive me. Right now a lot of people are going through extreme changes in their lives. I'm right there with them. My life is completely different from how it was a year ago. Change can be really scary. How can we be secure when we're unsure of what lies ahead? It may be naive of anyone to think that comfort will last forever, but comfort brings pleasure. When it's gone we must somehow deal with the pain of moving in a new direction, even if it was not asked for. One thing I've learned and am still learning is to simply trust that it will all work out in the end. It's easier said than done, I know, but we can't just stop and think of all the things that stand in the way of being happy again. We all make mistakes or sometimes new paths come across us that we just have to take. The first step is the most difficult and there might be a great deal of distance between them, but every step is an accomplishment in its own. We all want happiness and at some point, we all achieve happiness. Unfortunately, happiness is a fragile thing, it breaks easily and we must obtain it once again. This is where change comes to play and this where you must decide to accept it or stay where you are with your hands empty. I hope for myself and for all of you, that you take that first step and all the steps necessary to be happy again. You'll fall down, you'll have to sacrifice, and there will be days when you can't see the worth of moving on. Although they might not seem to be, these are just minor complications that will dissipate if you keep your goal in mind. A small pause is nothing, in your life's travels you may need to pause to keep track of where you're going. Stopping completely is where you lose the opportunity to obtain happiness.