November 2, 1981

So today is my birthday. I am now 28 years old. I don’t really feel different from a year ago, but I guess I’m older. Right now I feel melancholy, sad and lonely. I know birthdays are supposed to be a happy occasion and I wouldn’t fight being happy right now, but it’s just not that kind of day today. It’s around 12:30 right now and I haven’t done anything. School is closed today and mostly everyone is at work. The apartment is so empty and quiet. For the past few weeks I’ve tried to figure out what I should do today, but I couldn’t seem to find any options. I really didn’t want to be alone today. I know I was at some disadvantage because my birthday is on a Monday, the start of the workweek and everyone is busy. There was always some small hope however, that I’d have someone to share today with. I had planned to go out to dinner tonight with cousins and a few friends. At first no one responded, which gave me some kind of clue. And then after I got message after message of “sorry, but . . .” it kinda put a damper on my going out mood so I just cancelled dinner all together. It might have been a bit dramatic on my part, but I was just not feeling any kind of special after that. So now I’m still here, trying not to fall in some state of depression. I think I watch too much TV because a part of me hopes that I’ll walk into a room later when I’m at my lowest point, turn on the lights and hear “SURPRISE!” from my friends and family. I have to reality check myself though.

It always falls back to him. He who is never here. He who I haven yet to meet and don’t know if I ever will. For some reason I have this notion that if I had a special guy, he would make me so happy. He would have squeezed me in bed at midnight and whispered, “Happy Birthday, I love you.” He would have taken me to breakfast and then for a bike ride along the beach. And then later he would have planned a dinner where all my friends and family were present to greet me. He would have made sure I felt special today. Maybe I’m crazy and asking for too much.

Well today is my birthday, but it’s just gonna be like any other day I suppose. People did send me birthday greetings which was nice. I wish that was enough to take me out of this mood. I’m just sad. And it’s far too quiet and desolate in here for me to not be sad. I know I’m lucky to have made it another year, but I must be honest, I feel very empty. I’ll still hope for the best, but after a while those hopes become stale and turn into reality. I don’t mean to sound whiny and depressing (I only share all this here because no one ever reads this), but I needed to express how I’m feeling today. 12 more hours and then it’ll be Tuesday.