Twitching Little Thoughts

Right now I'm missing someone very badly. Funny thing is, he hasn't even gone anywhere yet. He's where he usually is, doing what he usually does. But right now, my heart is palpitating. There's nothing I can really do, I suppose it's an "it is what it is" situation. I have to learn. Learn to deal, learn to move forward, learn to not let it hurt, learn to be happy. All this learning to do and I'm so occupied with what I seem to believe. I seem to believe that he'll leave me forever. I seem to believe that he's forgetting about me more and more each day. I seem to believe that I don't mean that much anymore. I seem to believe that what I think is happening is actually happening. He'll be leaving soon, but I feel like he's already left. It bothers me that I haven't said good bye and that I feel like maybe I sent him off early. My view and reality are two different things. He'll talk to me tomorrow and I'll put on a smile. Those tricky insecurities though. Always lurking behind that smile and inside my head. I don't want to think about it anymore. I don't want to learn. I don't want to believe anything. All I want is to have him here. To know that he knows that I miss him. To not miss him at all. I'm such a ball of twitching little thoughts. If I could only think to shut up and enjoy.

Apparently, or rather, Obviously

I can't seem to be consistent with my blogging. So much has happened since my last blog. Sorry, I won't go into detail about ALL of the events that have occurred since I last wrote, but perhaps I can give somewhat of a recap (skip to me 100 pages later). So as always, the end of the semester was hell on Earth. Seriously, I had no room to breathe, I fucking wanted to bitch slap everyone and everything. Two big papers, an important presentation, and five finals to worry about (look at me getting stressed out again just from remembering, yuck). I was a ray of sunshine those last few weeks of school if you could imagine. Anyways, I really don't know how I got through all of that. I mean I can say, "I pushed through, put my mind to it and did it" and yea, I did all that, but geez, it was really fucking hard. REALLY fucking hard. By far, Spring 2009 was the most difficult semester I've had. And I know, I make it hard for me by putting so much pressure on myself, but I don't like being average. I don't need a 4.0 gpa, I'm not planning on going to grad school, but I don't think I would be as proud of my degree if I got regular-ass grades. I gotz ta have me somethin ta brag about, YA FEEL ME?? Well, the last two weeks of the semester really beat the shit out of me (one day I spent literally 6 hours in the library finishing a paper that was due, didn't get up to eat or nothing until it was done, I only got up once to pee then sat my ass right back down). During those last days I was as dramatic as someone vyying for an Academy Award. In the end though, I got my goddamn five A's making it back to back 4.0 semesters for me. I realize that I don't mind being dramatic about succeeding in my goals because it makes looking back so much more funnier. I like telling myself "Hey Jay, remember when you thought you were going to cry because you thought you couldn't finish that paper? You're dumb!"